Ivixx

I've learned more about pain in the last 8 days than I ever wanted to know. I've learned something else about suicide. It breaks the people you leave behind. It doesn't just make them sad, it breaks their minds. It's probably a good thing. I think I would be less able to cope if whatever was in my head before was what was there now.

Everything has been a fog. I don't remember words, events, people, what I'm doing. I remember when my Grandma started having strokes. I think it's kind of like that. My brain doesn't work the way it used to. I'm not all here, I don't know if I will be again. There are others that were left that I'm even more worried about. Another thing about suicide is that it's is the people closest to the one who dies who will be broken the most. Those that hurt them, the ones that didn't care, still won't.

I'm sorry I haven't been responsive to my new deviant friends and acquaintances the last several days. My boyfriend shot himself in our bathroom Saturday night. I don't know what to do about anything in my life now. Everything was built around our plans together.

I know there's a lot of art on deviantart about death and suicide. The reality is the most horrible thing that can ever happen to anyone. Seeing the person you've loved, and slept with and built your life around laying on the floor with his life blood pooled on the floor in front of him is so incredibly painful, you can never imagine. If you have those kind of thoughts, remember that they pain you leave the people that loved you will be so much greater than the pain you're feeling. I can't say there weren't times when I picked up that gun, when I thought about it, before. When I thought about other ways. Many people do. But the pain of having the person you love kill themselves is so incredibly great, so horrible. I will never get over this. I will never be the same. The pain you feel is nothing compared to the pain taking your own life can give. It's not just me, his mother, brothers, sisters, friends, the pain he felt is now multiplied so much more in those of us who loved him.

I suppose technically I'm a professional photographer since I do get paid for some of my photos, though in terms of camera skill level I would definitely say I'm an amateur hobbyist. I didn't start out with a goal of being a photographer. It all started with my aquariums. I was asked to write about them and photos were needed. So I bought a camera. I started a web page, I was asked to write more, I got a Nikon FM10 35mm camera then a reasonably good point and shoot digital camera. In the mean time I had added several web pages and was getting more writing requests. When my digital camera died I moved up to a Nikon D200, which mostly confused me.

I'm still using my D200. I can use the lens that came with the FM10 and purchased a second macro lens. I love taking photos and carry my camera around with me everywhere. Most of my friends take me on photo journeys when I visit. Because I love mosses, liverworts, and tiny plants most of my friend also have pictures of me bending over taking photos. lol I have to admit my relationship with my camera is still rather strained. I should probably spend more time working on the mechanics of the camera and less time in the field just taking photos, but exploring and taking the photos is so much more fun than reading manuals.

Sadly most of the photography books are mostly about what to do take pictures of and how to take them than the actual mechanics of how the camera works. I wish there was more information about the mechanics of the things because I'd understand it a lot more if I could see what was actually happening in my head than just a bunch of numbers and settings that I'm supposed to remember. haha OK maybe I'm a little undisciplined in this aspect.

For the most part I really prefer to just take photos of what I actually see. There are so many beautiful and interesting things in the world. Eye candy everywhere I look. I've kind of been hesitant to do a lot of photoshopping with my photos. However after spending a lot of time looking at the photos of others and picking the ones I like the most, they do seem to have almost all been enhanced in terms of color and lighting, so maybe I should start playing with my photos a little more with photoshop.